Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in andrew's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
9:13 am	my birthday Walk out into Velvet.... last night was the delightful Taylor Dayne concert, with the wonderful Melanie. I cannot belive that i am 25. again. then we got stuck in the rain, which put me in this weird manic mood, which is still going strong. two years ago was wondeful. melanie says that it is wrong to compare, and I agree, but it is natural. and it is something that i, or my mind rather, just does. i want to buy myself a present. today is just another day. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: The Knife "heartbeats" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
10:57 pm	sorry mom. sorry god. and somehow february is almost over. and here i am, back in NYC. I have so many weird emotions about it. it still kind of feels like a vacation, then i think back to Christmas vacation and seeing everyone and how much i miss that closeness. I have seen melanie a few times, and i plan to hang out with her on sunday. too many emotions swirling around right now. i miss jose, i miss the close friends i had in DC, i miss my hotel room. i have too much stuff and need to focus on creative space saving ideas on saturday. i want to go on a date, but i have no one to ask, or flirt with. i fall into these, what i can only call, myspace k-holes, for hours. maybe i will meet friends. it just does not feel real yet. work is ok, same shit, different place. my friend Laura in DC told me to go write for "zines" as if i can just walk in and say "i want to write for you". my feel of rejection is, ultimately, disabling. i forgot how much i hate grocery stores in NYC and why i always eat out. there must be a better one around, no viva "gristedes". i am going out tommorrow night, i think , and i will try my best to talk to some one. ok, enough rambling. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: "Hitler in My Heart" Antony and the Johnsons (Comment on this)
Friday, January 6th, 2006
9:58 pm	a new year. this month is going to suck, finding an apt. in NYC, moving and all that. I actually enjoyed being home for close to two weeks, the longest time since i was a freshman in college. and i met a boy. and i realized that i could feel things again. that i was not that broken. not that broken. yea, guess that is it. happy late new years, but i hate it anyway. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
2:05 am	it has been so long, paper journal has taken control. hope everyone is well....take a look at me now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 21st, 2005
9:12 am	in NYC...hoping to have a fun filled weekend....weather is gross. i want to at least make out with some one. do not fear what you are about to suffer. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
8:54 am	Heartbreak, it lasts forever. i know it has been ages. i have been paper journaling constantly. i think the cable modem here is finally OK. so...i am moving to nyc, soon. again. it was exactly two years ago i was planning the asme move. this time, no looking back. in other news, i went to a party labor day weekend and i met a boy. it was an indie...punk..ubderground electronic gay party. the music was great, a lot of stuff that one usually does not hear in clubs. his name is john and he is, GASP, white. he seems nice enough, does not drink or smoke (raised by souther baptists) and he can do Julia's entire monolouge from "Designing Women", episode "The Night the Lights Went Out on Georgia". i am not getting my hopes up, or obsessing, just having fun. date # 3 is when i get back from Charlotte. which excites me, that i am going. i realized the other day that I have never, and i mean, NEVER, been to Charlotte sober. Maybe for an hour or two, but i have never spent a chunk of time there without alcohol. i think that it weird, i mena, 3 1/2 years later and i am going back. robert, stacey , keving hopfully melanie and sadly not chuck will be there. i think it will be fun. i guess that is about it. living with the girls is fun. i survived what would have been Jose and mine three year anniversary as well as jose's birthday.yea, it took some mood stablizers and will. i cried two days after his birthday. we went to the hirshorn for this amazing exhibit. we walked around and had ice cream and then went to dinner. we talked about the future, what he was doing, how i was leaving. it felt like a goodbye. and when i leave, it will be. also, i have a crush on a boy in the program. he is my wounded dove and i adore him. also, i love the new Goldfrapp CD, esp. Lovely 2CU, Satin Chic, and We Never Know also, i saw Pretty Persuasion, it was brilliant, and reminded me of who i was. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 26th, 2005
3:41 pm	Laguna Beach a certain some one did not get a certain job that that some one really really really fucking wanted. a certain some one has no idea what to do now, where to go from here. a certain some one turned one year older last week and is no closer to getting anything. a certain some one has not had sex in forever and it is making him crazy. a certain some one is moving into a house with 3 girls in 4 days. Current Mood: laguna beach-y (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
6:01 pm	fuckfuckfuck so i have exactly 12 days to figure out where the fuck i am going to live. if i get the job in NYC, it will not be before that. so basically, i have to find somewhere in DC, that is totally temporary, somewhere that i can leave with a monent's notice. or, somewhere that i will have to stay if i do not get this job. i spent the majority of this weekend looking for an apartment. that is a sucky way to spend a weekend. i have no idea what to do. on top of that my fucking birthday is tuesday, i really could not be less excited. part of me wants to totally isolate myself all day, stay alone, watch movies, bake a cake. i told everyone that i did not want to do anything, but i know i have to be somewhere at 7. last year, it was so perfect, so romantic, beautiful. it will never be topped. and the memory replys in my mind over and over like a movie that i have seen 100 times. jose blew me off two nights this week (thursday and saturday) the fear and pain is slowly but surely crystallizing to anger and i wish it did not have to be like that. i saw "My Summer of Love" on thursday, by myself. it was really good. i thouroughly enjoyed it. and it was good to be alone. ok, time to look for some more apartments. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 4th, 2005
8:11 am	patriotism is overrated my my my it has been awhile. i have been a busy little dove, flitting around here and there. Boston was lovely, although too hot. it was so good to see everyone, no one really got on my nerves, which is a plus considering that i had not seen many of these people in three years for a reason. i made out with an 18yo for no other reason than i could. i saw Laura and her friend jeanine perform, both were amazing. i fell in love a little bit with a bass player nemver Hernando who is in a rockband called...i think it was Highway. Flash to NC and the wedding of the century. ok, it was not that big. but alicia is my first married friend, which is weird. i had a weird feeling for most of the time that i was in NC, mixed emotions about almost everything. seeing tyler for the first time in like 10 months was good, but i wanted to kiss him, the way that he wanted to kiss me last summer in nyc, when i was with jose, which i am no longer. i think that i had taken one too many klonopin and i was kinda hazy, i mean, we kissed for a few seconds, then he was all "we should not do this" and he listed reasons and what not but i had already stopped listening. seeing my chabby was grand, i really miss her crazy ass. she still does not think that i am an alcoholic, which is weird, since she lived with my in my last year of drinking. i got to see crsytal, you know, she is my oldest friend, we have known eachother for almost 10 years. i saw robert briefly. i spent time with my mom and sarah. i flew back in from NC and slept for a few hours before i was on a train to NYC. the meeting was ok, i kinda dozed off towards the end b/c it was stuff that i knew, and it bored me enough the first time around. then, bang, i was with melanie! she broke her shoe in the middle of mid town during rush hour. i guess i kinda broke her shoe. regardless, we dashed into Conway and found some like weird sequined china slippers which we not that horrible. we ate dinner, met up with Rita, and say Mysterious Skin. It just got to DC, and i want everyone to see it now. i did not want to sleep, i was restless, i felt weird being back in nyc and i did not want to leave. i shopped a little and it was nice being alone in a faniliar place. i know have to decide what to do, i interviewed for a job in NYC with my company, but even if i do not get it, alot of me wants to move back. not to run away from the breakup, the explosion that felt like battery acid searing my face, but because i loved NYC and i was happier there. so much to decide, so little time. i kinda made out with this guy from AA. he is cute, his name is the same as my father's and i told him that i did not want to have a  relationship. i was in control, and i liked that. i feel like it should not happen again, for a number of reasons. i do not want to mess with his sobriety (only 6 mos) and i am not looking for anything new. although sex would be nice, just  not with him it's already been too long. do not fear what you are about to suffer. hookin' for Jesus. sorry mom, sorry God. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "Viva Forever", Spice Girls, on repeat (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
9:54 pm	Boston, NC, NYC...it has all flown by. tommorrow is my interview fr the emplyee relations job, so send white light my way. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
9:58 pm	creepy is the new cute. creepy is the new cute? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
10:17 pm	no subject "only the one that inflicts the pain can take it away" He said once that i was the one for him and he was the one for me. i still believe that,  my heart still yearns for him. has it stopped being true for him? last night, he drank too much and he and darren crashed here. he has these two freinds, lesbians , karen and whyt. they had a breif, intense affair. it ended. they were both out last nigth and whyt left, she could not stand seeing karen. so jose texts whyt, while i am trying to sleep. he says that he is sorry and that she will find happiness. it infuriated me immediately. i feel like he has never shown that much sympathy for me, he has never been understanding at all. he says that he does not know what he should say. i just want him to speak from his heart. i want to kiss him, i told him so. he said that was bad, that we were not together. as if that ever stopped us before. he left me on my bed crying. tommorrow we are going to see a movie. what the fuck am i doing? how did we get here? what did i do to lose him? i keep fighting the urge to isolate myself. i do not want to sink deeper into this. i just want my love back, our love.   Current Music: Scissor Sisters "can't come quickly enough" (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 21st, 2005
10:16 pm	You scored as Slippage. You are Slippage. You enjoy the wild sides of love. </td> Black Cherry 100% Slippage 100% Hairy Trees 100% Train 67% Forever 67% Tiptoe 67% Deep Honey 67% Twist 50% Strict Machine 50% Crystalline Green 33% What Black Cherry song are you? created with QuizFarm.com (Comment on this)
Friday, May 20th, 2005
10:57 pm	sometimes some people feel the need to cut themselves to prove that they are alive. someitmes, i feel like i need to relapse to feel like i am an alchohilc, to appreciate my sobriety. i won't. but sometimes i get so fucking sick of being sober, i want to "check out" for a weekend, a month. i can't, i know that, but i want to badly, especially when i am full of anxiety. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 17th, 2005
7:07 pm	and this too did i mention that i want this? anyone want to get it for me?\ http://www.tiffany.com/shopping/item.aspx?c_id=WEB1&c_it=36Z22&start_id=6&CategoryId=18&category=jewelry& Current Music: ABBA "SOS" (Comment on this)
6:41 pm	aquafina, aquafina "plus, talking about it makes it real" Felix was really good, even though he did not go on until 2:30. I cannot really dance to that music, but I tried. A really hot girl told me that jose and i were  really cute couple. i swear to christ i was almost crying at the discoteque.</font></p> but i waited until we got home, at 4:00am. i try to cry silently. so as not to bother him. but i usually fail. i know that this behavior is not good, that it kinda makes him not want to see me. but i assure him that i cry even when he is not there. at night, laying in bed, thinking of him, of us. i tried to lay it on the line, nearly begged for one more chance. he listened, i will not press for an answer, yet. and he said that none of this was my fault. i never said it was, i replied. but the chance is not for me, it is for us. he loaded my ipod with music, i hope that he did so out of desire and not acting out some weird guilt he has. see, i project how i do things on to other people. i feel  like writing him a long, flowing letter before i leave for NC. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: desperate housewives (Comment on this)
Friday, April 15th, 2005
8:36 am	like me like me last night i went o a birthday celebration for one of Jose's friends, who i guess i could aslo call my friend. It was fun, i have not had italian in awhile. we went to Apex, which i usually avoid like the plaugue. Thursdays is college night, so tons of 18 year olds whacked out on drugs. It was not so bad last night, though we only stayed for an hour or so. Jose spent the night and i did not really cry, he was warmer than usual. i just want to fuck. tonight we (jose and I ) are going to see Felix da Housecat. As a rule, i am not really into to DJs, but he is one of my favorites. I think it will be so much fun. i leave for home next thursday, just for a couple of days. just to relax and remove myself from here. i love the new garbage cd. i love the movie "Bad Education", I ordered it online tuesday. I cannot wait to get my ipod set up. jose and i will be together again. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Garbage "Bleed Like ME" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
11:56 am	don't stop I was basically manic yesterday. I had plans with Jose, which calmed me, energized me all at the same time. I had a bloody nose in the morning, see, we do pay for our sins. everyone at work basically dirves me crazy. but i did not let it bother me. I had job offers, i had to remerchandise, deal with my unruly staff who now only loves me. he came over, we watched Fox and ate pizza. we just were. we had not just hung out like that for over a month, since V-Day. we talked a bit, I pointed out that I think that all of this started when D moved back from Florida, he had not thought of that. I told him that we could try just "dating", casually. He seemed pensive. He is so much nicer to me in person than he is over the phone, maybe he does not mean to be, but I told him that he sometimes comes off as so damn cold. he repeated some of my words, "actions speak louder than words" and I felt good about it. I slept on the couch and had weird dreams, that I was being harrassed by some middle school students and I lashed out and beat the shit out of them. and i wanted a new cell phone and i wanted to grow out my hair. Current Music: "don't stop" Brazilian Girls. they rock (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
5:10 pm	don't stop "cool, i am, when I am with you, cool, i'm not, when I am lonely" madonna ok, so i got to G-Boro yesterday about 2:00. had lunch with my dad and aaliyah and caroline met us. evidently, her and alissa had broken up two days earlier. she was a MESS, the same way I was 2 weeks ago, we kept talking and talking about how we did not grasp whatthefuck happened. thank god we had medication. we met alicia and her fiance, micheaux, but caroline was so not stable, so we came home early and fell asleep on her couch. god, her apartment is amazing. it is SO grown up and well put together. jose finally called me this morning. i explained that if he did not want to talk to me, that was fine, but i needed him to tell me that. he said that he has enjoyed being alone this week (he is on spring break) and that he did not want to hurt me by saying that he wanted to keep communicaion to a minimum. i explained that it hurts alot more to be ignored. it made me feel better. stacey wil be picking me up in a few hours for some fun in hickory. i have the ABC scale that i learnedin behavioral psychology and i wrote it out today. i am proud of my self, the antecedent is present, but I hav avoided the behavior so i do not have to deal with the consequences, guilt, self-loathing and shame. i think i am stronger than i usually give my self credit for. i saw nadine today, we worked together at Gap YEARS ago, she is older, has a daugher my age, but we got along famously. it was such a ray of sunshine to see her. thatisallfornow (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
4:16 pm	come clean i feel like he has ignored me the whole time that i have been here. it would make it easy to regress into the revenge driven socio-path that i once was. but i do not want that to happen.I could be a bad, bad boy if i wanted to be. tommorrow, i leave for G-boro, then hickory. i am getting excited. i finally got some alone time today, i took the car and just drove, used cd shopping, listening to stupid songs, drinking cherry coke and smoking cigarettes. it felt good, it was a release. (Comment on this)